Progress, Not Perfection

If you’re anything like me, you might have a few voices in your head. And some of them are probably unkind, judgmental, mean, and critical. 

We can call them all sorts of things like “parts”, the Inner Critic, the inner parent, the Judge archetype… whatever we call it, it doesn’t feel good when they speak up. They're like those 'cheap seats' in the arena, from the quote above. 

In the past, very often that voice in my head used to tell me “Not good enough - it’s not perfect.” It also used to say “You have to be perfect to be lovable”. And another regular was “There is one perfect answer out there somewhere, and you haven’t found it yet.”

In my younger days, at school, I called myself a Perfectionist and strived to do every project, every essay, every piece of homework, perfectly. I can remember being proud of this label.

I had almost constant anxiety, and never quite felt like I measured up. I couldn’t feel content, because this darn voice was chasing me to hurry up and get on with ‘being perfect’. 

Sheez. Can you feel the stress in that? 

Have you been chasing this illusion, too? 

A few thoughts I now have about perfection, after years of contemplating, mulling it over and working with it in my own life. 

First – where does it come from? 

Babies are not born with the ambition to turn into a ‘perfect’ person. It’s a learned pattern. If we deal with lots of criticism growing up (by parents, teachers, siblings, other caregivers), it’s hardly possibly to ignore that as a child. We learn from everything that happens to us. If we’re constantly corrected, criticised or told ‘Not like THAT!”, there is a part of us that starts believing we’re just never good enough, no matter how hard we try. 

The part of us that want and need to feel loved will do everything it can to become lovable rather than ‘not good enough’. Perfectionism is one way to try and get there. It’s a learned set of behaviours, to get a very deep need met - the need for love and acceptance, just the way we are. 

But surely there are benefits to being a Perfectionist?

Absolutely. It is true that paying attention to detail, doing things ‘right’, and to the best of our abilities are great qualities and do reap rewards. 

But how far do we take that behaviour, and how much pressure do we put on ourselves in the process? How much do we berate and criticise ourselves if we didn’t do the thing perfectly?

Does our health suffer as a result? Do we expect of ourselves to stay up late, get up early and do things 100 times more carefully than anyone else to get it perfect? Are we upset when we make mistakes? 

I can tell you that in my case, the striving for that one perfect way was not worth it. 

So…. Stop then!

The thing is – even if we realise it might not be the most fun way to live, it’s usually not as easy as “Okay, I’ll stop now!” 

Have you tried to ‘just stop’ any pattern of behaviour that’s driving you mad? Maybe you've seen this funny clip by Bob Newhart...

Changing our behaviour is a complex endeavour. The parts of us that started believing that ‘perfect’ is desirable, made that decision for good reasons. Perfectionism is a strategy that was once solution to a problem. If there’s no other strategy in its place, it’s like taking away a blind person’s white stick. It’s not kind, not practical and doesn’t work. 

Patterns of behaviour is rooted deep in the subconscious mind. We don’t have conscious control over it most of the time. Around 95% of the time that pattern is running without us even realising. 

It takes time, requires mountains of patience, and often we have to ‘fall down and pick ourselves up’ again and again. Not something a perfectionist does easily! Because we like to be able to do something right the first time - or else it’s a failure. 

How funny, if you really think about it with a sane, calm brain. Who has ever expected us to do something perfectly the first time? And if they did – were THEY really of sane mind? 

So how we do “Stop it” or change something so deep under the surface? 

A few thoughts that have helped me over the years, as I continue to work on this pattern:

One: 

Our patterns, behaviours and reasons for them are written in the subconscious mind. So to work with it on a conscious level is good, but only a small portion of the story. We need methods that can address emotional roots in the subconscious.

If we make a decision like "Okay, I’ll stop this madness” – we’ve still made it with the conscious mind. And the subconscious is watching this show with a good old grin and popcorn, waiting for the first opportunity to show us who’s got the reigns! 😊 Not in a mean way, I want to add. It just doesn't work to consciously control our behaviour patterns if there's still something underneath driving it. 

Two:

Yep, you guessed it – EFT (tapping) is a fabulously helpful tool to work on this level. The newer form of EFT that I practice now (IEP) is an epecially helpful way to work with subconscious patterns. We no longer have to work with every event we can remember to get to the root. It’s more of a gentle unfolding and we work with what your subconscious brings us in the session. It’s profound work. 

I’ve been working with EFT for my own patterns like perfectionism. I have to honestly admit our deepest patterns are probably not going to be conquered forever. I keep finding deeper layers – and I also keep seeing wonderful progress. 

I notice the progress mostly in my self-talk when I make a mistake. 

Previously I would have spent hours berating myself for it. My self-talk is very different now. It’s no longer that awful, mean voice that says “That was stupid! How could I do that? Am I dumb or what? I should have known better. It's my fault.” 

It’s now a kinder voice that says things like “You did your best and look, it was good, in fact it was great. And perfect doesn’t exist anyway. You’re making such great progress. Well done, you.”

Three:

Have a few affirmations ready that can help you to keep coming back to kinder with yourself. Three that really work for me:

Progress, not perfection. 

This always helps me to remember it’s far better to make progress, and do a little better, or get a little further on a big project than before. There is just no need for perfection. It doesn’t exist, at all. Because there are 8 billion people, there will be at least 5 billion ideas of perfection. What a waste of time and energy to put so much pressure on myself. Progress feels great!

Publish now, polish later. 

This helps me to remember I can put something out in a ‘good enough’ state, and I can always update it later, improve it, make it better, and learn from the experience. 

Another version of this:

Take Action, Revise Later. 

This was from a book recommended to me by a mentor, D’vorah Lansky. This little book by Bob ‘The Teacher’ Jenkins, was a great introduction for how to start adopting a more useful mindset. We can take small steps now without alllllll that overthinking (introverts, I’m looking at you and me!), and always revise what we’ve done, and upgrade/renew/refresh/learn. 

Four: 

Keep a Success Journal.

If we’ve been ‘perfecting’ all our lives, we’ll need to change those well-practiced neural networks slowly yet deliberately. One way to do this, is to start keeping a journal with things that went well. On days that we feel down on ourselves and the Inner Meanie comes out with a vengeance, it’s helpful to go back to that journal and read a few entries. 

In this journal, enter 3 categories every day:

• What I did well today
• What I learned today
• What I’m grateful for

What I did well today are not things that are perfect! It can be something like (from actual entries I made in 2014):

• Slept in a bit, which relieved some pressure
• 5 minutes of hard cycling
• Postponed the interview I was worried about and she was fine about it

This ‘did well’ category can be helpful when we’re working on changing a habit. When we note down every time we did something well in that area, it’s great reinforcement and encouragement from ourselves. 

In the ‘What did I learn’ category can also be simple things like (mine from 2014):

• Interviews with wonderful people are SO fun and inspiring!
• Asking for help is important for self-care

Likewise, the gratitude can be small details:

• My cat’s cuteness
• Andrew is feeling better today
• Healthy food in my fridge

Five: 

Celebrate your successes and wins. Dopamine (the reward neurotransmitter) is an important part of changing any long-term patterns. We need a reward to keep going on a long journey. Celebrate even the smallest step. And of course, it doesn’t have to be a big, expensive celebration. 

• Smile at yourself
• Give yourself a literal pat on the shoulder
• Do something that you love (like a hobby) and then tell yourself this time is for you, because you made progress. 

Is perfectionism a thing for you? And what have you used to temper this? Or… is it something you hold dear and don't want to change?

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