Five Ingredients for Changing our Biggest Issues

"The greater the outer changes you want to make, the greater the inner changes that must be made first".
- Sanaya Roman and Duane Packer.

And I'd like that Immediately, please! 

Over the years, it’s been my personal experience that changing our biggest issues (read ‘problems’) can take a while. And that, of course, can feel very frustrating. 

When we’ve been struggling with something for a while and the proverbial water we’re in is very hot, we want change immediately! Not in a few months or weeks’ time…

I know the feeling. I’ve had many problematic issues that I wanted to change asap. When we are sick of a problem, in pain and suffering, it's normal to desire change and healing right away. We want unbearable situations to stop now.  

Have you been there too? 

Overwhelm and underwhelm

A friend of mine once shared this with me: “We often underwhelm our overwhelming issues.”

And when our long-standing overwhelming issues don't shift fast, we get frustrated or angry. Got many of those T-shirts myself. But let's take an honest look at what happens in our brain with chronic issues. 

An honest look at the Brain

I appreciate Dr Joe Dispenza for talking about our brain in a way that most people can understand. 

He says in Evolve your Brain: “95% of who you are by the time you are 35 years old is a set of memorized behaviors and emotional reactions that create an identity subconsciously. 5% of your conscious mind that is plugged into reality is working against 95% of what you’ve memorize subconsciously.” 

The patterns / unconscious identity (that we now call problems) have been formed over many, many, many years. Certain neural connections have been firing together over, and over, and over in those 35 years. And they’ve become the ‘default’: the way our brain and body now works, after doing the same thing (having the same thought) thousands or millions of times. 

An example:

Let’s say we find it hard to set boundaries. And we realise it’s not good for us because we’re virtually always overwhelmed or exhausted. We can’t say no, and now we want to change that. 

We might read a book about boundaries, and try a few suggestions. Or we might not even reach the trying-it-out stage - because somehow it just feels wrong, or impossible to say ‘no’. 

Our brain and body are so used to the old way, that it will feel alien to start a new behaviour. 

And that is exactly where the quote above fits in. 

For any behaviour to change on the outside, we’re going to have to do a large chunk of inner work. And I venture to say more inner than than outer.

It’s so easy to give up when it feels foreign to ‘try on’ a new skin (behaviour). 

It’s going to feel uncomfortable, after we’ve been doing something one way for a long time! That’s why we need to keep practicing, keep doing the inner work, persist, have patience, and huge compassion for ourselves. 

I’m currently working on changing a long-term pattern and I’m talking from personal experience. 

It’s hard to use different language, hard to contemplate putting a new behaviour into practice. Hard to get past the feelings that it stirs up. It can almost feel impossible. 

The below image illustrates it extremely well:

Fortunately, we always have a choice:

One: We can keep going the ‘old’ way. And then we will likely keep getting the old, familiar result. The old way is what got us the old result, and like Einstein said… it’s madness to keep doing the old thing and expect new results.

Two: We can keep going with the new (more unnatural, unfamiliar) way. Until it becomes more natural, and feels easier. 

I like remembering that we do have that choice. 

If something is hard to change, it’s good to face that I am allowed to stay the same. But do I still want that old result? 

For me, at this moment, I do not want the old result anymore. Therefore, I’ll keep practicing and doing the inner work to get past the dissonance and discomfort inside. 

I've found these five ingredients important when we want to change any long-standing pattern. 

Five Ingredients to Change a Pattern

One: 
Doing the ‘inner work’ with EFT to help minimize the emotional discomfort and beliefs that are in the way of a new result. It doesn’t have to be only EFT (though I’ll keep talking about it because I find it so effective). Use whatever inner work tool you have that can provide emotional releases and freedom from old beliefs. This method needs to be able to work with the subsconsious mind. 

I'm not talking about merely making a decision - that's still on the level of the conscious mind. Your subconscious will override it if you're not feeling safe. And keep in mind: the amount of inner work we need to do, depends on the amount of trauma we've had. Sometimes weeks can be effective, sometimes months, and sometimes years. You're unique - and please don't compare your own journey with anyone else's.

Two: 
Doing the ‘outer work’ of practicing a new behaviour, even though it’s not comfortable or perfect yet. (for instance: practicing out loud, when no-one is around, to say the words you’d like to be able to say). This is the place where assertiveness can feel like arrogance, or prioritising your needs can feel like selfishness. Therefore: 

Three: 
Doing another type of ‘inner work’ by creating new neural networks through imagining ourselves doing the new behaviour. Visualising and feeling into a new behaviour create neural networks where none existed before, and makes it easier to then actually step into the new behaviour. I'm not talking about 'pie in the sky dreaming'. There's plenty of research to back this up. 

Visualising is a safe way to practice and unearth more 'stuff' in the way - because inevitably your mind will tell you something like "This feels awful, you can't do this, what will person x say?" And voila, you have more pieces to clean up now with the Inner work (Ingredient One).

Four: 
Above all, in any change work we do, we need huge amounts of kindness and compassion for ourselves. Change is not easy on our nervous system. If we judge or criticize ourselves for ‘going too slowly’, we’ll shrink back and not even try anymore. That’s why…

Five: 
Asking for help is so important. Most often, other people have resources, plans, ideas or methods we don’t know about yet. Many of us are too proud to ask, or we've received messages that we’re supposed to be strong and handle things alone. The truth is that humans are made to ‘co-regulate’ – to help each other stay calm, safe and relaxed. Not a single one of us was made to fight and soldier on alone in an ocean of pain. 

I do believe we're living in a time with many complexities, over and above that of our own lives. May you be kind, gentle and compassionate with yourself.