“Sometimes the most difficult decisions are what lead us
to who we are meant to become.”
- Hannah Clark -
This morning my husband and I were
chatting in bed, sipping our coffee, when I shared something that’s been hard for me.
September is a special time here in the UK in our garden. My favourite runner beans and the Bramley apples will be ripe for picking and processing. Last year the apple tree was bare due to a very wet, cold spring and summer... this year the tree is just laden with fruit. I really want to be here to enjoy the abundance of health-giving organic fruit and veg, plus freeze and give
some away.
Also, on 16 September we will celebrate our 20th Anniversary and we’ve been saying for a long time that we’ll do something special during that week.
Yet, at the same time, I want and need to visit my mother in South Africa.
Her Parkinson’s symptoms are getting worse quickly, and her birthday is on 17 September (the day before our anniversary).
I deeply want to be by her side at
this time. She’s facing so many fears and uncertainties as she is able to do less and less for herself.
As I was trying to hold both of these possibilities, at first I thought, “This is a paradox. I want to be here, and I want to be there, at the same time. Both are true.”
But then, as we talked, I realised it’s not a paradox….it’s a dilemma. Whichever option I choose, there’s a painful drawback.
Staying here means
missing precious time with my mom. Going there means missing our beautiful garden, and celebrating our 20th Anniversary together.
That little conversation sparked some reflections for me: what’s the difference between a paradox, a dilemma, and a conundrum? And, how can EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) help when we’re caught in these kinds of inner tangles?
What’s the Difference?
- A Paradox is when two contradictory
things are both true. For instance, “I feel fragile and strong at the same time.” Or, “This is the hardest and most beautiful season of my life.” A paradox is less about choosing, more about holding both truths.
- A Dilemma is a situation with two (or more) options, each of which has drawbacks. Like my September question: do I stay in the UK or travel to South Africa? Neither feels completely right. Both have unpleasant
consequences I don’t want. I can only have one of them.
- A Conundrum is a puzzle that feels hard to untangle. It’s confusing, often because the way forward isn’t clear at all. For example, “I don’t know whether to leave my job or stay, because I don’t even know what else I’d do.” (I faced that one in 1996-97!)
All three can leave us feeling torn, anxious, or stuck. And as Highly Sensitive People, we may feel
the weight of these inner conflicts even more intensely, because we tend to process deeply and hold a lot of responsibility in our hearts.
I don’t want to disappoint my mother, and I also don’t want to miss out on our garden, and I also don’t want to miss precious celebrations with my husband, nor leave him to all the household and garden responsibilities while he is working hard at his teaching jobs. I want to be in both places, with both people... and that's not
possible. Ugh.
Why They Feel So Stressful
Our nervous systems don’t like uncertainty. Being caught in a loop of “this or that,” or “both are true,” or “I just don’t know” can keep us awake at night. We may feel pressure to find the “right” solution, guilt for whichever side seems neglected, or grief that we can’t have it all.
I discovered that EFT can be a powerful support in these circumstances.
How EFT Can
Help with Dilemmas, Paradoxes, and Conundrums
Here are a few ways you can use tapping when you’re stuck in these situations:
1. Tapping to Acknowledge Both Sides
Give voice to each part of the conflict.
- “Even though part of me longs to stay here in the UK, another part of me longs to be with my mom, and I feel torn, I deeply and completely accept myself.” Then do a few tapping rounds to give voice to each of the sides.
- This helps each side
feel heard, rather than silenced. Often, that simple acknowledgement can reduce the inner tug-of-war.
2. Tapping for the Stress of Not Knowing
Sometimes the hardest part isn’t the choice, but the discomfort of being in limbo. I definitely felt this as I was battling to make a decision for many weeks.
- “Even though I don’t have clarity yet, and that makes me anxious, I allow myself to soften into this space of not knowing.”
- Tapping here calms the
nervous system, so you can rest in uncertainty without panic.
3. Tapping on the Emotional Burden
Behind dilemmas, paradoxes, or conundrums are often big emotions: grief, guilt, longing, frustration. Oh my gosh, yes – so much grief about missing out, guilt about disappointing one or both of my precious people, longing to be with mom, frustration and annoyance that I can’t have it all and that I have to make this hard choice.
- “Even though I
feel sad that I can’t be in both places at once, I choose to have compassion for all the parts of me.”
- Releasing these emotions makes room for clearer thinking. When they’ve all been felt, and heard like a little child, we can think more clearly and make better decisions. Our inner parent can then surface and be gentle with all the parts, and make wiser choices.
4. Tapping to Open Possibility
When we’re stuck, it can feel like there are only two rigid
options. As if life provides only black and white! I read this morning about ‘The Tyranny of the OR’ and ‘The Genius of the AND’. Tapping can create space for creative solutions we haven’t thought of yet.
- “Even though I can’t see a good solution right now, I’m open to fresh perspectives and new possibilities.”
- Often, when the stress eases, insights bubble up.
What Changes After Tapping?
EFT may not hand us an instant
answer. But it does something so important: it softens the tension we feel inside. We can move from a state of tight, anxious holding on into a calmer, more compassionate space. And in that space, clarity has a much better chance to emerge.
For me, with my September dilemma, tapping doesn’t magically let me be in two places at once.
But it did help me sit with the sadness (and grief, longing, guilt, frustration), acknowledging both sides, and staying
open to creative possibilities. (Maybe there’s a way to do part of each. Maybe my husband can visit us for the week of our Anniversary. Maybe I can ask a good friend to be a bean-and-apple steward while I’m not here.)
The point is, the choice felt lighter when I approached it with compassion rather than pressure to make ‘the one right decision’.
An Invitation to use EFT
Next time you find yourself in a paradox, dilemma, or conundrum, I’d invite
you to do a few rounds of tapping. You may not solve it instantly — but you will create breathing space inside. And from that calmer place, your own wisdom can whisper the next step.
If you need an example of how to do this, see if this fits for you. Always change the words so it feels authentic to you.
A Tapping Sequence for a Dilemma
Start with a deep breath in and out. Let it out like a sigh. Notice where the tension sits in your body
when you think about your dilemma or paradox. Give it a number from 0–10 (where 10 = most intense). Then start tapping on the side of your hand:
Setup Statements (repeat 3 times) (remember to change the words for your situation)
- “Even though part of me wants to stay here, and another part of me wants to be with my mom, and I feel so torn, I deeply and completely accept myself.”
- “Even though I can’t be in both places at once, and that
feels so painful, I choose to have compassion with myself.”
- “Even though I don’t know what the right choice is, I allow myself to be gentle with myself in this moment.”
Reminder Phrases (tap through the points: top of head, eyebrow, side of eye, under eye, under nose, chin, collarbone, under arm)
- Eyebrow: “So torn inside.”
- Side of eye: “I want to be here.”
- Under eye: “And I want to
be there.”
- Under nose: “I can’t do both.”
- Chin: “This sadness and pressure.”
- Collarbone: “I don’t know how to choose.”
- Under arm: “All this stress in my body.”
- Top of head: “It feels impossible.”
(Do one, two ore more rounds here, until you feel a little calmer. You don’t have to use these exact words. It’s better to use your own… what do you think and feel
about your own situation? Just talk to yourself, and tell your truth.)
Transition Phrases (bringing in possibilities)
- Eyebrow: “Maybe I don’t have to solve it right this second.”
- Side of eye: “I can give myself space.”
- Under eye: “I can allow both sides of me.”
- Under nose: “And let the answer unfold.”
- Chin: “I don’t have to carry all
the pressure.”
- Collarbone: “I choose to soften just a little.”
- Under arm: “What if I allowed some breathing space?”
- Top of head: “I’d like to be open to fresh ideas.”
Closing Round (an example – depending on what your situation is)
- “Even though I still feel some sadness and confusion, I also feel a little calmer.”
- “I honour how much I care — that’s what makes this
hard.”
- “And I give myself permission to rest in not knowing for now.”
Take another deep breath, let it out like a big sigh. Check your number again. What’s happened with the intensity? Even a small drop matters.
Often, when the stress eases, clarity begins to emerge all by itself. Tense emotion makes it hard to see, know and act on what’s best for us.
My
Outcome:
I've used tapping for this dilemma... and yes, I have booked my ticket for South Africa so I'll be there for the whole of September. I still don't know the whole road and what exactly is going to happen on our Anniversary, but I have enough clarity and calmness to know that somehow, it will all work out and be okay.
I wish you a lovely exploration seeing how EFT can support you to firstly ‘be with’ those hard choices, and
then gently, slowly gain clarity as you work your way through the layers.
Where have you been faced with a difficult choice, paradox, conundrum or dilemma? Can you try a few rounds of EFT? What do you notice afterwards?
Or, reply and just say hello. I love hearing from you!
