Dear ,

Have you experienced how hard it can be to change an old habit, or start doing something in a new way? 

I recently wrote about the empowering experience of asking for help when we need it. I realised how silly it was to expect myself to be an expert in every single area. This insight arrived around muscle aches and spasms that I simply couldn’t sort out by myself. I found a wonderful Biokineticist who helped me understand what was going on under the surface, and how we would be able to correct my challenge by strengthening certain muscles and changing posture habits. 

Today I want to add a few important points I’ve learned since I embarked on this new journey.  I want to add that it’s also applicable in many other situations in our lives. I specifically thought about the relevance for my own coaching clients and for anyone who is going through a process of change. Can you see the parallels in every point?

1. Change can be Painful
Yes, sometimes it’s painful to start doing new things, and especially to do old things in a new way. We will without a doubt experience growing pains. 

It takes hectic amounts of conscious concentration to change something that we’ve been doing a certain way for many years.  That level of concentration is tiring, to say the least, and the first few times we almost want to give up and say “This is TOO HARD. I can’t do it. I’ll just go back to the old way.”

For instance – I now need to focus on changing my posture when I sit and stand.  When the bio corrects my posture during our class, I keep thinking “Surely this can’t be right? It’s so hard! He can’t mean I must do it THAT way?? This takes too much effort. I’ll never remember it!”

When we change the way we usually do something, we have to create and use new neural pathways in our brain. The old ways of doing things have created ‘super highways’ of neural networks in the brain. It’s so simple and easy to do it ‘the old way’ because it literally requires no thinking or effort. The subconscious takes over and we go on automatic pilot, because we use established, well-oiled neural pathways. 

When we try to do something in a different way, we use tiny, new neural networks that are not yet the default. We have to concentrate really, really hard. It takes effort, conscious concentration, it feels like hard work and we can actually feel tired from the effort. 

Because the new habit (for instance, my new healthy posture) is not yet established, it’s helpful to have someone next to us to mirror to us when we’re going back to the old way again. They can see us objectively and help us to correct course. 

We can’t do it by ourselves. We cannot be the mirror as well as the person looking in the mirror. As human beings, we need each other. 

For my clients: I totally understand how hard it is to change your thought process or give up an old story!

I have them, too. We’re talking about those old neural highways that say “I’m a failure! I’m not good enough! I should be better! I should be different! I should do it all perfectly!” And then we haul out the old story that seems to prove these thoughts.

It’s not easy to change those and to consciously start selecting different thoughts. The old thoughts are like super-strong magnets that keep pulling us back into habitual ways of thinking and behaving. 

Yes, it’s not easy. YET – it’s possible. It takes conscious effort, concentration and intention. And, that’s why we need coaching sessions regularly. Changes in brain patterns do NOT occur in a session or two.  A coach can be your mirror so you can ‘see’ and ‘hear’ yourself through other eyes and ears. We cannot hear and see what we’re used to. It sounds and looks normal and therefore it’s much harder to notice. We’re caught in our own paradigm of ‘normal’.

2. Take Responsibility and Incorporate the Changes into Daily Life
I realised very strongly during the second exercise session with Mark that I’ll need to incorporate what I learned in the session, into my daily life. THAT’s the real challenge. 

It’s easy to ‘just do the exercises’ in the class. It takes REAL commitment to remember to take the learnings into real, everyday life. I had to make a commitment to do my exercises at home a few times a week (even though I’m lazy to do them!) and also, to incorporate the exercises into how I habitually use my body. There is no point in being able to do a perfect squat or tummy-tightening exercise - and then to do the same old floppy-tummy thing when I sit, walk and drive!

Yes, it’s hard to form a new habit of walking with a tight core, considering I’ve not given my stomach muscles many thoughts in 30 years. The bio can’t help me with that piece. It is not his responsibility what I do when I walk (with a tight core!) out of his office every week. What happens between our sessions is 100% up to ME. If I don’t really want to change, it’ll be so easy to forget all the learnings in between sessions. It’s easy to ‘do the exercise’ of keeping my transverse abdominals tight – and then conveniently forget about them after the session. 

For my clients: I really get how hard the in-between stuff is! I do. We can have a fantastic EFT session where we clear out a trauma from the past, and you feel on top of the world afterwards. That’s how I feel when I walk away from my session with Mark. WOW – just look at what I did! 

And then… we go home. Life gets busy and we forget to practice our new thought patterns. We forget to do the ‘imprinting’ of a new belief like “Actually I AM good enough. Actually, I don’t need to be perfect. I accept myself exactly as I am, flaws and all. I don’t need to be perfect to be lovable. I don’t have to put so much pressure on myself – I can have compassion for me!”

Yep, those new thoughts don’t arrive one Tuesday afternoon after a session. We need to think in new ways, act in new ways, and practice new thoughts. Even though it feels unnatural.  Even though it feels like too much hard work. Even though it doesn’t feel true yet. We need to PRACTICE the new way until it BECOMES the new normal. It doesn’t just happen. 

3. It’s a Process
My body is complaining after 3 sessions. It’s sore in different places than when I started, stiff after every session, and I keep thinking HECK – when will this feel easier? The body-‘neighbours’ of the original problem-areas also have to adapt to a new way of sitting and standing. They’re feeling a bit grumpy because they didn’t ask to be changed! They were quite happy the way they were working, thank you very much, and this change has been thrust upon them a little bit. 

My bio assures me this is normal. The other body parts will gradually get used to the new posture, and accept it as the new norm. They’ll feel less grumpy, and work together if we keep showing them the new way. 

To my clients: I assure you that it’s normal that when YOU start to change because of coaching or EFT or seeing yourself in a new way, your ‘neighbours’ (family, friends, colleagues, close relationships) might start feeling a little grumpy too. They didn’t ask for you to change. They were probably quite happy for you to be the doormat, the friendly one, the one with no boundaries, the one who always said yes, with no complaints. 

Please have compassion for your neighbours, too… and remember that this might be a shock to them. That doesn’t mean you can’t change, though. 

Keep showing them gently, the new way of relating to you. Keep up your own change-work, and be kind with them at the same time. Change is not easy for anyone, especially if it’s thrust upon us. You might have embarked on your journey of change voluntarily. But maybe your wife, husband or colleague didn’t – and their neural networks and feelings also need a chance to get used to the new you! 

What can we do to get better results?
What are we to do to make this easier on everyone? If you’re on a change-journey (whether career, self-care, new direction in life, going for your life-long dream), how can we do this in the most effective and mindful way? 

Responsibility
Take responsibility for your life and your journey. Decide “It’s up to me”. Really. The knight on the white horse is you.

Commitment
Make a commitment. Ask yourself “Am I willing to make long-term changes?” NOTHING will work for us if we’re not prepared to change. If we keep doing what we’ve been doing, we’ll keep getting what we’ve had up to now. If we keep creating our reality in the same old way, it will lead to the same old problems. 

Form new Habits
When we set a new goal, we often need a visual reminder of that goal. We need constant reminders, because our brains have been used to the old neural-network highways. We naturally default to the old way. There’s nothing wrong with us. Our brains simply use the least amount of energy this way, so it can keep energy for ‘new’ and more immediate tasks. 

Practical things we can do:
Put up sticky notes on the mirror. Set phone reminders. Use alarms. Phone Apps like Habitica can make it into a fun game. We can make it easier for ourselves to follow through. Again, it starts with how much responsibility we’re taking and how big our commitment is. 

The Cost
Ask yourself “What will the COST be if I don’t follow through”?

In my case I know I would suffer continued back pain, neck pain, a tight jaw, inflamed muscles, spasms, lower backache from a flat disc, and feeling GRUMPY because of the pain. I won’t enjoy my walks.  My sleep will be interrupted from the aches. And one day I’ll regret that I knew I could do something and I didn’t.

My Mom suffers from horrible back pain and I see my current ‘old’ posture in hers. I don’t want to end up at 70 with agony and no way to change my posture and my tight muscles at that point. My hips are not well-formed, as pointed out through x-rays and a visit to surgeon 2 years ago. I’ll have more and more pain and problems with my hips, and possibly surgery, if I don’t keep my core strong and constantly remind myself of it. 

Emotional help
A change-journey is very much an emotional one! When things are hard, we feel triggered and emotional responses can pop up everywhere. When we go through change, we can fear loss, we can feel sad, angry, lazy, resentful, grumpy, mad and resistant. 

All of those feelings are normal and okay to have. Yet, sometimes we can get stuck in them. When we have emotional help (in the form of an emotion-coach, or a good friend with a listening ear), we can navigate the terrain so much easier – and we don’t have to take out our difficult feelings on our ‘neighbours’. 

I wish you a journey of growth. 
Yep, it’s not easy. And boy, is it worth it!

Warmly, 
Liesel Teversham
www.savvyselfgrowth.com

Liesel is a Connected Introvert who loves helping other introverts to shine brightly and comfortably in their career and life, to overcome the fear of being visible and to connect in deep, meaningful ways. Liesel really hates thinking of introverts as shy nerds who can't make an awesome contribution in the world. So she created a number of programs to help introverts do just that: own their talents, be themselves, practice exquisite self-care and create a career and life they adore while making a meaningful difference.