”I really, really want to do something different – I just CAN’T stay here … but it’s SAFER to stay where I am. At least I have [fill in your blank] and if I DO [fill in your thing], I just don’t know if it will work out. It may be a disaster. Oh well, pffft… it’s better to stay.”

And away and out of your reach, disappears that thing you’re longing for. I’ve done it too.

A few nights ago, for whatever reason, I remembered a time I took action despite a massive fear.

19 years ago, I was working in a job I couldn’t stand anymore. I’d been in the SA Army Military Band for 5 years, playing the clarinet. Strange job for a woman, yes. We were only 4 girls in the band. After 5 years of parade grounds (shine or rain), playing and marching, it seemed, always immediately after the horses at outdoors shows, hurry-up-and-wait and nothing inspiring beckoning from the future, every day felt like a struggle. I just didn’t know what to do to change things.

I can remember looking for different work for months – scouring the Sunday paper every week, and feeling hopeless and helpless to find something that would not require me to do another 3 or 4 year degree. I had a music degree and there were not many options for me, with that particular education. I decided I had to get out of the music industry – but how?

Swallowing my words

Finally, I discovered a 4 month full-time programming course through my brother. I resigned from my stable (and uninspiring) job. I chose to have two savings policies pay out so that I had just enough money to live off for those 4 months.

I had absolutely no idea whether I’d find a job afterwards. All I had was trust and faith and my brain. I had burnt my bridges. I could never go back to the safe Army Band. I said to myself “No matter how hard it might be, I am GOING to make this work. There’s no turning back.”

It was scary as hell.

I slept on beds of nails for those 4 months!

I’d never even had a computer, nor typed 3 letters on a keyboard of any kind. When they brought in computers at my school towards the end of my Matric year, I stupidly thought “FAD!” and chose not to get involved.

And there I was, swallowing my words at the age of 32. I had to learn to employ logic, learn a programming language and hundreds of TLA’s, plus type on a foreign thing called a keyboard.

We called it ‘Eagle mode’ – when you have to look for a letter for a few seconds, then ‘swoop’ down to type that one letter. Painfully slow and humbling.

It was like being in hell in some ways. I slept very little those 4 months. I often asked myself “What was I THINKING when I decided to do this?” I just HAD to make it. I was committed.

The awesome part comes next. I was employed as a junior computer programmer straight away. The relief and gratitude was more enormous than words can ever say. It paid far more than the Army Band job I’d resigned from and I had so many more opportunities in front of me.

And yes – I paid a price. It wasn’t a free ticket to heaven.

My savings were gone, I was in serious sleep-debt, my nerves were frayed some days, and my relationship at the time took a bad knock due to so many hours away from home while studying to create a better future.

Read the full article and explore with me the question "What's on the other side of my fear?"