Hi
I grew up in a home where things where tidily swept under the rug.
"Things" were mostly emotions. We also didn't discuss important matters openly, kids had to keep their opinions to themselves, and difficult subjects were taboo. That meant I really never learnt how to deal with conversations where conflict might come up.
I grew up watching a Mom who wanted to create peace above all else, by trying to smooth over everyone else's emotions. She just wanted everyone around her to feel happy - it seemed like her personal goal to try and make that happen. How exhausting that must've been for her...
There were hardly ever any raised voices except for
my Dad's, when he told us how to behave. I learned to swallow my emotions.
No wonder I arrived in my adult years feeling terrified of conflict. My Dad was TOO confrontational - I didn't want to follow in those footsteps because I felt the effects. And my Mom, well, she had no idea what to do with conflict or anger either. So truly, I had no good example of dealing with a difficult
situation.
Where do we as children learn to behave?
MOSTLY by watching and absorbing the behaviour of our parents in our first few years. By age 6, the bulk of our beliefs about life and ourselves have been formed. My one big belief that "Conflict is scary and I'll do everything I can to avoid it", was
well entrenched by then. And with a belief like that - how on earth would I ever make myself 'confront' my fear of conflict?
Can you see the nice old cycle that some of us set up for ourselves? Not on purpose, of course.
All of the above I say with respect and gratitude for my loving parents. There is no need to
blame them, they were doing the best they could, with the beliefs, upbringing, circumstances and backgrounds they had. I'm so grateful for what they provided us with. My parents gave selflessly, as do most other parents.
And - that doesn't mean that there wasn't a result.
There is always an impact and
result to everything. The sun coming up has a result. The sun not coming up will have a rather different result.
Does that upbringing sound familiar to you?
Or did you grow up in the opposite type of home - where people shouted and talked loudly, and could calmly discuss the next thing a few minutes later, as if nothing had
just happened?
In either home, we might have learned an unbalanced way of handling conflict. Either we fear and avoid it and frustrate those who want to discuss things..... or we dive headlong into it with gusto - only to frighten the other lot. Neither group wins. Everyone on either side of that scale could lose the opportunity to find solutions in ways that feel satisfying to both
parties.
A Basic Human Need....
Every human being has the basic need to feel heard and understood... and that's where in many conflict situations, things go wrong. There are usually very strong and heated emotions at play... and that brings out our anger or fear (fight or flight) - and for some of us,
freeze - not able to say anything at all, because the fear-part of the brain has paralysed our thoughts and bodies. So either we don't feel heard, or the other person truly can't hear us because we can't speak up.
If you want to learn how to have difficult conversations in a way that helps everyone to win, this workshop with my friend and colleague, Alison Gitelson,
might be right for you. Because of my own challenge with conflict, and feeling how amazing it is to have more courageous open, honest conversations, I want to help others with these same challenges to overcome them. I'm teaming up with Alison (who is fantastic with the practical steps and methods), while I'm the person with the tools and methods for the emotional parts to this. We need to know about both for the solution to work. We create a place of safety, so that everyone
can learn in a calm environment.
