Dear ,
How effective are you in making conscious choices for your life? Are there times when you think “How come I did that thing
AGAIN? Sigh...” and feel down-hearted or disappointed in yourself?
In the beginning of a shy London-spring I was out for a walk in a beautiful park close to me. The city buildings were hardly visible because of the mistiness, the sun hiding. There was a beautiful stillness around – not a breeze, and plenty of birdsong coming from the misty trees. Very special.
The walk gave me the
chance to think back a little over my life and the patterns I had for a long time…. patterns which would previously have prevented me from enjoying a beautiful walk in the middle of the day.
A few years back, I would never even contemplate the possibility of leaving my desk in the middle of the day. The guilt and responsibility would be too stifling and hard to ignore! I’d have sat there, wishing for more freedom, and unable to choose
it.
Last week Thursday, I had an acupuncture appointment in the city of London. It was a stunning, cloudless day – the first in many weeks. After the appointment, and a hectically PACKED tube ride into London, I wanted a glimpse of the Thames in the beautiful sunshine….
When I saw it, and felt the freedom of walking there in the middle of the day, I decided to walk back home. It’s about a 40 minute
walk, all along the Thames. The bright sunshine helped me to feel light and free, happy and delighted to be alive. It was so energizing, to give myself that special gift and when I got home, I could tackle a piece of work I’d been postponing for a long time. The self-care put ALL the fuel back into my energy tank.
Again – a few years ago, I would not have been able to impulsively make that decision. The feeling of responsibility would’ve
killed my spontaneity, and anyway – I didn’t believe that I had ‘needs’ and didn’t know about self-care. I soldiered on, doing everything on my to-do list, and often felt SO resentful and envious of others who seemed to have more fun than me.
At the time, I couldn’t even begin to think how to change all of that. The pattern of feeling over-responsible, do what I said I would, not taking care of my own needs, being there for others instead, taking on
too much and neglecting myself, was really killing my enjoyment - and squeezing the life out of me.
It was no fun to be me, and to live my life, for a very long time. Yet, I didn’t think there were any other options for me.
Anything feel familiar there? What patterns keep appearing for you?
Oh boy, did I WANT a different life….!!! I didn’t know HOW. It
looked impossible. It felt absolutely irresponsible to change anything. There were things that HAD to get done, right? And there would be ‘consequences’ if I didn’t do them… I didn’t think I was important enough to give myself some ‘me-time’, and always did the responsible thing FIRST.
Resentment built. “I don’t WANT to, but I HAVE to….” was a constant companion.
Who wants to live like
that??
That, , is what a pattern does to us. It drives our behaviour, without us realising. We don’t feel like we have a choice. And even if we did try to make a different choice, it would just feel completely WRONG.
A pattern is a recurring thought, feeling or behaviour, that keeps happening on an unconscious level…. We can hardly control it, and we don’t know where it started. It
spoils our energy, our fun, our enjoyment. It happens ‘again’, before we can help it. It can lead to problems in our health, our relationships, our money situation. Our happiness.
Sometimes, we try to “Just stop it”. Or we might have a well-meaning friend giving us wonderful advice about what to do instead. We might try that – and end up very frustrated, because we CAN’T “just stop it”.
Have
you been there? Any consistent pattern that shows up - from eating too often, to Facebooking all the time, to procrastinating everything, to neglecting your self-care, to taking on too much on a regular basis….
It virtually never works to say “I’m just going to stop that now.”
Why can’t we just stop it?
There are many
contributing factors. The one part I want to mention is that the patterns are held in our subconscious. Telling ourselves to “just stop it” is talking to the conscious mind. And that is NOT where the pattern of behaviour is coming from.
It’s like talking Chinese to an Italian person. Non comprende!
Well then - How CAN you stop that pattern? If you can’t ‘just
decide’, what’s the answer?
That’s exactly what I LOVE helping my introvert clients with in private coaching sessions.
We take a look at things like when it started, and what was going on for you at the time. We usually discover the positive intention of this pattern. It always has one, believe it or not…. At some level, it’s been doing something really amazing for you. When we
discover THAT, half the challenge has been sorted.
Then, we work with the emotions around all of this. There might be some unresolved situations or memories. There were times when we got ‘taught’ something about ourselves by other people’s behaviour, or we made an unconscious decision as a small child. Children often make decisions that are completely illogical and irrational – like “It’s always my fault” or “I’m not good
enough” or “I don’t deserve love.” Those decisions are usually not the truth, yet we live as if they are. They absolutely do influence our behaviour, and what we are able to receive in life.
We also look at your Top Strengths – those places where you’re already amazing. We help you to make more of THEM, which builds the most beautiful and authentic confidence.
And all of this,
together, helps you to start changing those patterns that are unhealthy, unresourceful, and just plain fun-spoilers. So that you can have more choice in your behaviour, and when you have choice, a whole lot of different possibilities are available. Health and finances can improve, the happiness graph goes up, and relationships are smoother and more fulfilling.
We do this exploration, discovery and clearing out of the old over the period of a few
weeks. We usually see each other every second week, so that there’s time in between for you to integrate the change and do bits of fun homework.
Do you want to explore and change a recurring pattern?
I am grateful and honoured to offer this work. We work in a safe, kind, comforting and confidential private space – either online globally, or in
person in London. Online has the benefit that you receive a recording that you can revisit, and there's no travel time or expense. (Especially if you're in a different country, grin!)
I work with a limited number of private clients and there are currently only 4 openings.
